Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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