I want to make a zoo with you.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
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