Who did Billy Mays play for?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I supernannyed him into submission
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
