dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
