If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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