It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
