she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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