Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize