There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
