My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
