sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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