had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
