Just invented taco cereal.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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