i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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