do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
