he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
