doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You need Xanax blowdarts
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
