I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
