I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
