Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
