I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
