he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just gift wrapped bread.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
