Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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