My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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