and next time when you feel me up, do it right
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Ladies don't puke and tell
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
