the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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