Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
