You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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