Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
