Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
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