do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
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