Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
