Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
