just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
