Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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