Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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