Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
