we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
