The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just pee around me
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
