i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
