you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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