so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize