I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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