You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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