My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
