i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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