Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just want nice things and good sex
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
