When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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