I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
