I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
