The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize