Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I won't apologize to a one balled man
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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