i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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