I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
