my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
