If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
