I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
