Banned from zoo.
Again?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
