Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
